``I�m craving mother fucking chocolate�� Chocolate so good that it fucks your mom until she screams across the room and wakes up kids, only to say shh moments too late.

Can you really be scarred for life? Having your first encounters with sex being the noise behind your parent�s bedroom door? I don�t know.

All I know is I need a zing. A little bit of chocolate to drip down on me.

I spoke today in a way like crick cracking words. I think I need to practice my English. But not before its too late.
I smile now, a kind like the Grinch but happier, in a way that says, ``I�ve got plans��. Because its true, now all I need to do is go out and find the tools. I�ve already got the canvas, but its time to start scetching. I wonder how this painting will turn out to be.

I do, I really do, I want to learn everything. But today. Today is wanting Motherfucking chocolate and a nap where I can spread my legs.

It was funny how I woke up the other day. It was a loud gasp from the stroke of his tongue. Hold on, let me rewind. Him, the deffinitely forbidden one... okay... he plays bass and his appelido is the same number as the days of the week. Yeah.. you know. Forbidden. But sexual like scorpion spike hell... the kind of pain that burns so good.
In my sleep I closed my eyes, moving my head back and forth as he touched me with those fingertips...``don�t like this, don�t like this, don�t like this...�� I chanted to myself... until he brought out his smooth tongue, tickling my clit so perfectly... then it was a gasp.. with an end to the chant. And I was up.... him painted all over me.
Whatever... I can dream.

The itch on the back of my throat still screams. Where I want to gobble up large ammounts of mother fucking chocolate then grin real big showing homeless look alike chocolate stained teeth.

Instead I drink bottled water and want to gag. I haven�t had a glass of tap water for almost four months, I wonder how long the soul can survive off of dead water. Water left in bottles for months. That will be my first thing when I get back. Pure water from a tap. ---- And when there is always so much and I�d rather just eat chocolate and cover it up. Roll in sand and shrug it off. But past comes back. Like a big unpredictable throw up... but it only comes out when it wasn�t ever let out. Like built up acid...

So lets just scream real loud. Punch pillows and push on walls. Lets get fucking crazy... jump off cliffs with yells into water where no one has to think. Have fun a little before the decisions come... and before we know it.. once we�ve stopped thinking... we are just given the answer. Pops in our heads from some magic cloud.

A break from everything sometimes I feel is the best way to go. Especially having to say I love you when you don�t feel like it. Can that happen.. can there be no talking for a while? Get away, run away real fast and hard. Feet pounding so loud it fuils the music for a booming parade. To think away from loud sirens and crazyness.

Lets howl at the moon, yip real loud. Kiss from strawberry wine. And we don�t have to be confused after. Run, run with me, dance under pounding music beats and tilt our heads in the light. Freedom. Freedom. Freedom.. To restore. Be. ---

No more thinking.. its killing me.

I think I�m going to try to hypnotize myself now.