the tinyest scratch into all of it, but I have to start somewhere
Do like how I used to do.. Throw music in my ears then allow my worss to dance over them.. ``And its been so long��. Since I�ve touched home in that way I used to do. To tell the truth I was gone long way before I left.
My head in the clouds and the heat made my blood static.
Here. Its spontaneity. Its living life for the day amd its always different. I remember when I first noted the change.
It was January. I sat in the living room of my second host families beach house. I had spent a day on the river and I was set to have a beer. I drank three. That was a first. I let it flow over me smooth.
I never knew how good a beer could make me feel.
We watched the butterfly effect.. and it was when I breathed.
5 months past and I was finally relaxed in my seat. I remember how I laughed with my second family. It came out hard the first time. Lie I mad woman I screeched. And I didn�t even care. It was with them that I laughed for the first time in 5 months. Something turned on inside of me, setting me free. A new world opened..
Now I say I love life even when it hurts. And something hurts.. something pinches, something breaks every single day. Sometimes its easier to brush thatn other times. But every day. I love life.
Learning. Growing. Seeing. Expanding. This last 10 months has been the best school.
Its split between two worlds. Where now, I just do what I want to do. Not too much thinking goes on. And right now, I know I�m telling. I�m stuck.. not letting it out the way it was seen. Because, here, its like magic. How and where can I even start to explain.
It feels like success. Like a laugh inside. Like shit, hey, its life.
I have never felt so real.
I know that the desert is coming back home. And I also know that I would like to setyou aside.. give you the pile of books I have written..you can start with page one.. then uncover the days. Because here, now I can�t even start to explain.
---
Its saindo with the Paulistas. A quick instant then I�m driving high. ``Pitu, todo mundo n��� Then I felt all alive inside. Secure, rich, free. I could take mini snap shots of what happy is. Then open it up like a laced box.. let it flow over me like euphoria. Because nothing else matters.
We subiued no palco.. felt the vibration beneath our feet. In between all of it and everything. I closed my eyes as I felt our easily my body eased in between them.
And today. Paulista 2 gave me the biggest hug, I�ve never felt so warm.
Saturday. I kissed Jenifer... but that was after I other the intercambistas sang out loud to Greese Lightning and Killing Me Softly. I had 4 shots of Pitu before we entered.. then they bought me three beers. I was soaring, but not too drunk. I don�t let it eat up me. Moving with Jenifer to near the front of the stage.. we danced to the Cranberry song singing band... the world was behind us. But she pulled me close telling me, ``you don�t have the courage��, in her Hungarian rich accent.
Then I felt the way y lips felt smooth on her. I made love to her with me mouth. The kiss was good and everyone�s faces afterwards were even better.
It was crazy. Driving home, was with two recently met gentlemen, Drew from Minnesota, and Mara from Germany.
Rock and Roll blasted from the speakers, I searched for my seatbelt.. and we sped through Recife town along with the rising sun. He was 31.. but only looked 20.. He said I was the prettiest woman in the bar. That�s cool.. I wore a mini skirt.. red shirt and black heels.. my hair was down and in twists. I felt sexy. Thanks is all I said. Then went on my way.. maybe we�ll meet again someday.
Its exactly 3 weeks when I will be in my tucson home. I think it�ll be silence.. and how will you even be able to break me?
Right now I�m listening to Thievery Coporation. Did I tell you about the man who I met during Carnaval? No.. he�s nothing special. Gross really and I was scared.
Let me start with the beginning.
He and his friend are friends of my first host parents... I went out with them and my parents duriong Carnaval.. We played and danced, and drank. It went down for one of the funnest times in my life. After Feb. We didn�t tlak.. he left me an email in April while I was in Salvador, claiming that he tried to get a hold of that I never called back..
he called me a total of 4 times in the time span of 10 minutes...
Scary. When we finally made a plan over the phone to go out, I simply asked if his wife was going to... after I asked, he told me this, ``don�t worry with me, don�t be scared of me..��
I asked why.. and he said, ``becaus eyou asked if my wife, Rita, was going.��
hmmm.. is what I thought, red sign.
-tHe night was good. I talked with them. Ate crepes in a lugar that reminded me more than anything of being back in tucson. We were right across form a Mexican restaurant and the blue was full and blue... Lua azul.. they call it. A problem with card resulted in Rita leaving to get the check book from home since she didn�t have anything to drink.. leaving me and Beco.. alone. Fuck.
``I really like the environment here,�� I said.
He, ``yeah.. so we�ll go out, you�ll really like the place I will take you.. its an even better area than this.. greta nusic and you can dance drink.��
``Cool��
him,``Anastacio askjed if I had wanted to be with you during Cranaval...��
me, fideting, ``okay, why would he say that, is everythingokay with you and Anastacio?��
him, looking at me straight on, ``well I�m sure you an feel how I feel you about you��
Then he just stared.. and so did I, losing myself in my dessert, shit. He stared, scary like, non stop.
Me,
fidgeting, ``what are you thinking?��
him, ``the same thing I was thinking the first time you had sked me that question during Carnaval.��
He had given me that look once in February, I had asked him them, and he told me that he couldn�t tell me.
him, ``That I wanted to fuck you, tht I wanted to kiss you, ficar with, stay with for the noite.��
Yeha.. my blood turned into fire and my mind and spinning network of electrons and neutrons.
I was alone with this fucking cara.
Him, ``but we�ll go out friday, I don�t think Rita will go though.��
Me, looking around at the walls, ``I don�t think I can go any more.��
him, ``disastiu? Backed out?��
Going to the bathroom.. I felt vulnerable helpless.. she came back when I had gotten out.. and everything was ok.. I�m just tired of telling.
----
This music is soft that I�m listening to. And everything is so mixed around in my head. All the people I meet, the different things I do and see. The alcohol from this weekend.. the cake in my belly. I started up a new step class.
That�s fun.
9:59 p.m.