I want him to love me, but maybe not miss me so much. I want him to grow on his own, feel on his own, learn on his. Talks to me and I hear and see all the mess in his head. Then after 40 mintues of him getting it out, he gave himself his own answer. He�s a smart guy, with a soul that�s been beaten down a thousand times. And having me around is just another cage. Keeping him from learning how to be on his own. But I like to fly and swim. And even though i can see myself marrying him in the future... I also see me, taking care of him.
And I know he would take care of me, and he listens to me at those times. But I haven�t told him anything in what seems like forever. He needs to talk to someone, what I told him. Then the wall came up and the defenses.
I put it straight, telling him hey, ``I feel like we�re in a counseling session.�� Then ``no��, and him realizing maybe he shouldn�t have told me all of those things.
Like when I talked about that jigsaw puzzle that I know so well, I can make him up a thousand times over, sometimes with my eyes closed. And I guess that�s what scares me... knowing I wouldn�t stay long for any of that. But its cool. There is still a future, but I wonder, would it be cold to just step back, not call for a month, I would still write, but not call... after all, with the new family circumstances. I just feel like I�ve reached too close to him back home, when this is my time for me to be alone. Last night, talking to him.. him talking to me, I realized, that the only thing really separating us was our physical distance. And sometimes, that could feel so hot and good, but last night, it just made me want to run. Too close for me, and sometimes, I really get that tight feeling that its time to move on.
So no calls, I will still write, but he needs to be on his own.
So there, nothing more said.
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Last night, before I got my fever, I was dreaming of visiting you in Japan. I�m coming, I was already thinking of plane ticket plans.