warrior
I come on here before I jump over there. I have one day to write an application essay but my head is too clogged up to even put out anything straight. Can you believe that I�ve been working on it already 5 months straight? Now that�s rediculous, waiting around for the right moment. The write moment. When every day, I�m constantly changing.
Now I�m playing on a small keyboard like a small fiddle and I need to get used to these new keys.
I popped a centrum like a new form of LSD. And what did I expect? That I was going to sleep like a dream?
Yeah right, when sleeping uncomfortably next to blasting, cold dusted air and the babies nanny. No, I don�t think so. Instead I tossed and turned until four then finally climbed out of bed to go downstairs to the bug filled kitchen to find some water that could be used to wet my throat. I never knew that finding water would be the problem, but here, its all about who�s got the filter.
At least I�m shitting straight again. Five months or so it seemed. Of craziness... I don�t think I really need to explain, but let�s just say I thought I had a tapeworm.
I�m in a situation today, and for the next four days... where if you really want to learn how to adapt then put yourself where I am right now for a day.
Its just right now, its just right now.. But sometimes I ask to myself, what am I needing to be taught anyway? Tip-toe on floors and it was unbelievable last night. I actually felt the slightest hint of ``take me back home please��.
But it was okay.
I picked myself up and found the water. Walked down dark stairs to the kitchen. And I was happy to go to sleep... realizing, ``I don�t think I�m afraid of the dark anymore��.
I�ve woken up in the middle of the night here... and I know things are watching. But I feel like I�ve built this shield up inside of me. And now I can shimmy around on a shag carpet and sing,``can�t touch this!��
------BREAK-----
I was just typing.... and I pressed backspace, and I thought I lost it all. I screamed out
``Fucking shit mother fuckeeer!!!�� Then I pressed the forward button and came back to exactly what I had written. I guess I should cuss more often.
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Like when I�m walking to my room here... well, my old room in the apartment. I would look down the long, narrow corridor, and picture an alien creature skitter across from the dining room into the kitchen. I still see faces of the exorcist girl. But its not in a way that makes me run. I just think to myself, ``oh well, if I encounter one of those things, I�ll just have to say well, shit... and pop a cap in its ass.��
I would to. Then it goes away... I guess the demons, aliens, and monsters are too afraid to mess with me now. Because I still feel them, but I feel them stepping aside to make way for me, because in these kinds of ``adapting�� situations, I take enough shit... and I won�t take anymore shit from gouls and things.
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Well, I guess this is me doddeling before I actually have to get to the application... but I feel like I cleared a bit.
And hey, I wanted to say, I�m impressed by you. You amaze me. That�s why I said, ``go on girl, go and do your thang.�� Picking yourself back up again, holding up your head strong.. you�re a warrior for love,... but you are! Even if it sounds funny.
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so let�s go and finish up this game.
Two more years made me want to cry, but in that good clean me up kind of way.
10:00 a.m.