And either we're finding ourselves with eachother or someone else. When "someone else" comes, we both take turns having feelings of hurt... jealousy. The feeling of knowing that you shouldn't feel that way, but you can't help it. But what always happens in these situations is you always have the strength to voice how you feel first, even if I may have had the same thought about a particular other in your life.

I couldn't help but to be jealous too. Although, you heard me. I said it a thousand times. Just not exactly spelling it out. I forget to speak sometimes... but I could look at you in a certain way, trill my voice on the phone. Know when she is there and I say "oh".

I knew it was stupid to feel this way, so I shut it out, said good and waited for your call. Waited. And waited some more. Knowing that you were having fun, good healthy experiences. I stayed quiet. Led my life and thought of you each day as everything built around me.

But tonight, out of all nights, when everything seems to be crashing down. I read, your heartfelt writing... and tears well in my eyes... thinking only of you, and your words spilled in front of me as if you were holding my hand, looking in my eyes with your strong glass eyes... telling me everything.

You've called, and my spirit has opened for you to come in and dance with it again.

It's not a bulging penis blocking us:), but I do know what you mean... it's a block of words unsaid... and now we're saying.

Have I told YOU how much I loved YOU lately. How my heart still cracks and says Sandi. How when my mom asks me questions, "If I were to die, who would you call first?" "That's terrible Mama."

But then boldly I state..."Sandi" And I said your name for questions like who keeps the secrets, who really makes you laugh? Who do you talk with best? Sandi.

When I was dancing in the corner of their practice room. Bobbing my head... "Something's missing" I thought... "Sandi"

--- Because Sandi always understands

I understand. It is a feeling of being alone. The glass shattering and you find yourself in worlds you would've never imagined. Unreal almost. Underwater. Interacting with people.... you never knew. i feel like this too.

Then release in talks with confronting your psychi. Past and present.

I miss you and missing does hurt.

I feel like when you miss someone, you're sending them a piece of your spirit. If they're far away though... the piece of spirit has more hardships and hurdles to face. It could get lost in a way... You're spirit has found me... but I don't want it to get lost on it's way to boot camps and fighting men... it's not bad what I'm saying... do you know what I mean?

I don't want a piece of your spirit to be lost in the mountains when it could be with you or him. I want you to not miss him... but I know you can't help that always... I just want you to be happy... and I know that since he's missing you... then if his piece of spirit gets lost in the mountains too, at least it will be with yours.....

I need to hold you, and sadly words can't do that right now. I want to breath with you... and something magical happens when we are together. the world runs fast or it slows down. Stars twinkle... and I swear we were lovers in past lives. Relationship is different with you.

What I loved best... was at the end of your words was your strength... and you knowing it. That set me free from my chains tonight.... and I Love You.

----

RB, took me on a spiritual journey the other night. He teaches me slowly, and knows and sees things.... it's amazing.

Things are rough though... I've found myself in a stage of semi-rebellion... remember when I used to always be in trouble?

Haha... all I can do is laugh. Sneak to love and touch... that was on Sunday with the boy.

and Charlie's in town.

I'm grounded from the sneaking and touching with B on Sun... but an exception was made for Charlie. Charlie wasn't there I saw b practice... and so the story goes "busted" Whatever. I need a break. I need to cry. I need to scream, cuss, fart, hit, bleed, piss, fuck, and growl.

---

Me:What do you see when you see me.

RB:I see a strong spirit but a girl who constantly hides her emotions. Who hurts because of it but she hides that too.

---

Then it all comes crashing and I want to break something. I become crazy with rage. My energy flies and why am I this way? Help me express how feel. How to be angry. How to be mad at someone. How to be real... I'm scared to be mean.... but it has to happen... or I think I'll explode.

*growl*

Kissing you goodnight, and I love you forever. Hold me soon SandiBeach. Hold me soon.

Love, Your avabird