More than anything right now I want to write Kurt. I want to call him, see him. Know that he is real and won't hate me forever.
I walk around this house and this valley and I think of how much I accepted it, made it my home. Its challenges and its joys. I walk and I can feel the roots of the trees lift up to meet the bottoms of my feet.

The River is loud and I love to take in deep breaths of the crisp air. Remembering, wondering, if I always saw things here in this kind of clarity. Like those moments when I would sit at the table and feel my past, present and future all mixed into one big bowl , this house.

I love you and loved you so much. nOW i CHOOSE TO WRITE HERE RATHER THAN WRITE YOU.

I am so afraid of saying the wrong thing. I am afraid of hurting again and having what I say used against me. But what does that mean? When I still can't seem to get over the large, capital letters written in your first email to me. I say first, because each one after that seemed to reiterate the same point but with less harsh quality.

I went upstairs to the Sri Lankans' room. It still smelled of coconut butter and tropical beach spice.

Flashbacks swarmed my every surrounding and I could see their faces like the faces that appear on your death bed. I guess, in a way, I am dying.
Shedding.
Rebirthing.
Nangi placed her long fingered, sharped nails hand on mine and purse out her bottom lip. She was wearing a little onesy and her legs were long stretching out before us.
"But this doesn't mean you can't create a whole new experience filled with everything you liked from this one but more! You can have everything you want. The options are wide open."
Lisa was on the other side. She wore angel wings and I saw her with the blue hew around her that I saw on the night of the medicine journey. She came to me and told me, "We are all here for you. You won't get hurt this time. You are free to do whatever you want to do and we are all here to love and support one another."

I envisioned myself then hugging everyone that I have connected with so lovingly here. I hugged them all and could see that we will come together again, someday.

The tears called out and bounced against the mango cream walls.

Bubbha came upstairs. He doesn't like anything out of the ordinary like strange wails from upstairs. Upon seeing me in my state, he knew just what to do.

He sat down right beside me and proceeded to be warm as I leaned against him and he licked the sticky of my face.