Keep on moving
Tell me all about it, I should probably do some telling too. I never realized how closed up I keep myself. Where I have idealized my father for all m ylife, but never realized how much I would become him. I have painted a beautiful picture, full and bright with colors. I have decorated it with a clear border and sent it off for everyine to buy. A part of me boils inside. A crazy part of me with self proclaimed principles that now only I live by. JUst like Daddy. My own morals and my own rules. About how to be and what to say. THen I trip up and end up slapping mself in the face.
Saturday, Saturday. DO I even dare to go back to that night again? Where now I am completely sober and I see exactly how I tripped up. I feel like my spirit guides take me on these lesson rides, stronger each time.
I came to Salvador, wishing to find magic a thousand times. THe magic has come in the strangest way and now I feeling more vulnerable than I have in months. MY wall gets torn down that I take months to build, then I start working on it again all over again.
Saturday night was going out to a rave. With Basically the music was non stop loud and someone had spiked the ice. I hunted for smoke after 9 months of not even smelling the plant. I took long hard drags and flew off from the group I had found. IT didn work. I was not free. Where I had my eyes set on a Scorpio.. but his clingy. sad, lonely, quiet and a little possibly semi suicidal pisces brother wanted me. I don don know what happened anyway.. well... I do, but it would take forever to explain. How I boiled up reasons and analyised in my head. I put myself through a whirl pull until I ended up crying with my HUngarian friend. Fucking bad trip. I needed out quick. I woke up the next day not feeling real. Feeling like plastic had been coated over me.
Now, I in a computer lab, in a college, waiting for our friend to get out and take us to the beach.
Its hard playing Tourist in a city like Salvador. Where you look around you and the world is everything. Music, life, and laughter.. Aside from the fact that every five minutes you are bein pressed to buy neclaces.. give change. Street CHildren hold out their hands as you buy you're buying food. And all I want so much is to fit in. Here.. I am separate. Where my face is of a Baihana , but my voice is where the line is drawn. Being here with two other exchange students doesn really help all that much. Where we speak in English even though Brazilians don understand us. aUTOMATICALLY DRAWING TE LINE. tHIS IS EXACTLY WHAT i WAS AFRAId OF. cOMING TO BRAZIL TO DO AN `AMAZING � EXCHANGE, BUT not being a part of the culture I had once learned and fallen in love with.Where today, I feel a kind of homesick that is making my stomach churn. I just want to sleep, close my eyes and arrive home tomorrow. BUt 2 months, exactly 2 months it is. And Il be back in REcife soon. Where I have my room, my bed, my Capoeira, my friends. My life. IN 5 days, REcife. And then I'll be better again.
I was going to be getting a tattoo here, but then that means the scorpio would be giving it to me.. and Salvador.. I thought I would fall in love with Salvador, instead, I kind of hurting.
---
I would laugh at the carriages, I would laugh at everything if I were with you. MY stomach is sick and sore, and I just want to be with you. THe kind of wanting where I rather curl up into a ball and hide my eyes than go out and see the rest of today.
BUt, we keep on moving, we keep on singing, and we keep on writing. Where we hide from writing, because when we write our feelings come out slow and smooth... especially if we want it to sound remotely good. WE concentrate on our words, and this isn even half of it.
We just keep on living. Keep on growing. Keep on riding.
The beach is today, and how do I start a sentence.. when I rather just cry? I don know anymore, I just miss mybest friend. I miss you and I don even know where to begin.
Wednesday, Apr. 25, 2007
9:16 a.m.
9:16 a.m.